Thursday, 7 November 2013

Dear Diary...

So today it took me 5 hours to get out of bed, which is not normal for me. Normally I'm up at 7/half 7 each morning to head to a full day of work which I love! Due to shitty circumstances I was signed off work on Monday for 10 days. So now I am going out of my mind BORED! I ended up heading to town to pop into work and say hi but ended up having a horrible anxiety attack in the middle of town causing me to look like a right fruit loop crying and struggling to breathe aha! I know I have life so much easier than most; I know my problems are nothing compared to others. I know I've turned them into issues in my own mind. I know I need to get out of this mindset because I'm just making myself ill and making myself depressed and I know it's a horrible cycle I've created for myself but I can't help but think like this. I do not see the point in anything. Been signed off work because getting myself upset and stressed has caused my skin to go crazy and my eczema has got so bad I cannot move my fingers on my left hand meaning I cannot work. I hate that I've let a break up cause me to open up all my problems I've spent years getting over and made myself feel like this shit person again. I have had horrible relationships and I finally had a good one yet I couldn't even keep hold of him. The guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me and I can't change that. You can't force someone to love you or be with you. You can't make them stay. No one will stay if they don't want to and I've learnt that with friends and family. Everyone that I get close to leaves. Everyone. I just hate that feeling like the most horrible girl to exist. What is so wrong with me that everyone wants to leave. I had counselling a couple years back to help me get over all my issues that made me down and anxious and now because I've let what a guy wanted to do affect me so much in my own head I've made myself feel like absolute shit. I keep going round in my head to think about what I have done wrong to make people/guys run a mile. I know 'I need to love myself before someone can love me' but it's fucking hard when as soon as something looks up for you something/someone comes along and shits all over it. Hence why I am a negative person. Nothing goes right for long. I know if I want to be happy I need to think more positive but it's fucking hard! I just want to give up. Yes I love my family, I love my job, I love that I finally have my own space by moving into my own flat but I honestly feel like I have no reason to be here. Someone could live my life so much better than me. I wish I could just give my body to someone that's in need of it. Someone who actually wants a life. To be honest I just want to sleep forever and be up there in dream land with my Dad. I've had enough of spending everyday faking a smile. 
I just want to sleep now.

Fingers crossed things look up soon.